der Opa

About two months ago before I sat for my examination, I received a text from my Mom saying that my Grandpa was gravely ill. As soon as I read the news I was stunned. I didn't really know what to do. So I took ablution and prayed for him.

Few days later, I received another text from my Mom:
"Whatever news you'll hear about Atok (name that I use to call my Grandpa) next, don't be too shock. Everything that happens is God's will. Be strong! I'm afraid that you might not be able to take all this. Think about Atok's dream. Now he doesn't talk much anymore, occasionally he would cry. Pray for Atok and don't forget to study for your upcoming examinations."

The message was heart wrenching. I'd never expected that my Mom would send me such text. She sounded so willing to accept fate yet at the same time helpless. At that moment I prayed to Him,
" O' Allah, please only this time, give me the chance to see Atok because the last time I saw him, he was crying as his grandchild was going away to further her studies. I remembered Wan's smile. (Wan is the name I use to call my Grandma) 
She said to Atok, "You shouldn't cry. You should be happy as she's going to chase her dream!"
With that happy face and kisses smothered on my cheeks and forehead... I am going to remember that till forever. Wan passed away in June last year, three months after I left for Germany. It was when my TestDaF was just around the corner. (TestDaF is one of German language tests)  
Thank you very much Wan, for the sweet unforgettable last moment with you.

Back to Atok, few days after receiving the text I told myself I shouldn't be thinking about myself. I should pray to God to give what's best for Atok not what's best for me.
Somewhere in the text Mom mentioned Atok's dream. What's Atok's dream?
I live with Atok and Wan since I was young till I was twelve, Atok is someone who loves to read and write. From newspapers (New Straits Times to be specific) to storybooks to encyclopedia, he'll read anything under the sun. He always encourages his grandchildren to read. Yeah and this house was full of books and newspapers back then. Now there's still a lot left cause I guess I took after him. I just think so and that should be a good news.

Atok was a teacher by profession. A Malay language teacher. He loves to talk about history. The most boring conversation one would think but not for me then! Well you know kids love stories.
Atok's dream is to see his children, grandchildren and his future generation to be a knowledgeable people. I could see that and I'm sure of it. He neither talked about becoming rich, having great profession nor want his generations to be known. All this time what I heard from him was he's afraid to see how the youngsters these days do not care much about their own future. They don't like to study or read. So Atok is worried about the future leaders. At times I ask myself why would he care so much about the Nation? As time passed by I realize what's actually he's afraid of.
That's Atok. After all this time that was the Atok I knew.

Now back in Malaysia for the summer holiday, I choose to stay with Atok most of the time. As I'm writing this, I glanced at Atok. He's laying on his bed. Sometimes he frowns, sometimes he sleeps, sometimes he cries and most of the time he stared at the ceiling. I wonder what he's thinking. I know even if I asked him, he will not answer me. Even so, I continue talking to him.

God wills Atok, I will try to make your dream comes true, I'll keep on learning every single thing that will bring advantage to our  Nation. I'm not strong enough to do this alone, so Atok, Mom and all, please pray for us and the future of our Nation.

That is all for now Atok. Forgive me for all my wrong doings and forgive me for leaving you once again. Till we meet again,
Your grandchild.


P/s: To those who read this entry, appreciate your loved ones, your parents, grandparents and every single person around you so that there's no such thing as REGRET.